Thursday, October 19, 2017

October 2017.

Well it's been a long time.
I just spent around an hour to look back at my life, how has it changed in these years.

Back then, after coming back from school, the first thing I do was turn on my laptop. I would go on YouTube, I would start watching makeup tutorials.
I've said it before, my first makeup guru was Michelle Phan. I started to watch her videos in 2009/2010, then I started to discover other makeup gurus. That was my best time ever.
I'm always glad that I've binged watching them. You know how in the school, the teachers are teaching English in Malay lol. We never really hear English in school, and even though we did, it was Manglish.
The YouTube videos that I've watched, they were my only English input. I listen to them for at least a good 2 years, before I stepped into the Korean world hahahaha.

All the words I've learned from them, even though a lot of them are like makeup jargon, but I did learn a lot! One of the things I could remember was the word "acne" came up in the exam paper. So many people got it wrong, but I got it correct happily hahaha because I learned that word from makeup tutorials!

I've been telling people to listen more, in order to learn a language. People would usually ask, what do you watch? I always answered makeup tutorials hahahahaha.
I'm also glad that I kinda adopted the accent. I still remember in my first year of degree, one of our classmates asked our lecturer to evaluate our speaking, and he said I was the best. I was so happy that all the time that I spent on YouTube didn't go to drain! hahahahahaha
And in last semester, another lecturer gave a same answer and pointed out I need more effort, but I'm still happy that he acknowledged me hahahaha.
My accent, wait I would not say accent, but the way I pronounce words, had caught our lecturer's attention. We were having literature class and I was reciting a poem. He found my differences, and asked me a couple words. I couldn't remember all of them but I remember "common". I didn't realize my difference at all until he asked this. And every one in the room read the word as how they would. Then I finally see the effect that the videos has left on me hahaha

Anyways, my main point isn't this.
I stepped into the Korean world in late 2012, and immersed in there by the beginning of 2013. I've stopped watching makeup tutorials almost immediately.
It's been a good 4 years, and it struck me how long I've stopped watching them.
I went back to one of my fav gurus' channel, and she has changed her videos' style after resting for a very long time. Another guru has totally stopped making videos for 1 year.
And my fav of all time, she took a year of rest from the internet world, and she has grown sooooo much.
It struck me that how much I've changed, and how much the gurus has changed.
When I started watching them, I was like 15, and they were 17-22 I assumed. Now I'm 22, and they were in their late 20s.
No one do the same style of videos anymore like how they used to do.
The way they speak, the way they present themselves on the camera, is totally different.
Back then, one of the gurus spoke super duper fast. Her speaking speed was so fast that I found myself going back to understand what she was talking about. But I just watched her newest video, she has became so calm, and grown up.

How much they've grown, and how much I have grown.

Back then, I was the whiny one who likes to write everything on blog. I made this my public diary, but I couldn't get a balanced of it, what can be public, what should be only in diary.
I've wrote everything---and when I say everything, it's EVERYTHING.
I've stopped writing for so long. One of the reasons being my life has became so repetitive---wake up, school, Korean shows, sleep. All over again.
There's nothing for me to write. And even I want to whine, there's nothing lol.

I very often find myself being too immersed in the internet. But I can't help.
I have a thesis which dues in few weeks, and I'm still immersed in the Korean world.
I have no idea what to do to my life, to myself.

I posted pictures of an email from the 2016 myself on instagram. Apparently I'm too free to find out this way to send an email to the future self hahahaha but yeah.
It's pretty awesome. I totally forgot about the thing, and was surprised to see it to appear in my mailbox.
I've written what I see myself in future, what I hope the future self has achieved, and most importantly, I reminded myself abut friendship.
Well friendship has always been a huge part of my life--and it still is.
But I'm well aware that I've cracked my best friendship. I reminded myself in the email, and hopefully I've done something in the past year to repair it.
But well, I'm sorry to say this to the 2016 me, but I didn't make it :(
I don't have the courage. This is me, the ostrich me. I'm so ostrich-minded that I'm used to run away from the problem and not thinking about it. Then by the time I want to do something about it, the time has gone too far and there's nothing I can do anymore.
I've talked about this so much in the past, but I'm still me, the one with no courage to make any move.

I have no idea how this post has gotten this far hahahahaha.
I just wanted to write a post about how much I've grown from the YouTube era, to the Korean era.
Now I shall go back to my Korean show, ciaos!

Monday, September 4, 2017


Everything happened too suddenly. I didn't believe it when I first heard it.

So everyone must have known what happened since the news article went out after 2 hours and it went viral.

I was in school that day, after class, hanging out with my juniors, we were chatting. I left school around 4:30, went back home, did my own thing, went online.
I felt sleepy after a while, so I switched off my light around 5:50, wanting to get some sleep. It's late for a nap, I know hahaha.
I was still playing with my phone, then a message in a whatsapp group freaked me out.
At first it was, "I heard from my hostel friend, saying that someone jumped from the new building in our school." I literally freaked out. I never thought this will happen in our school!
We were discussing, like what happened, omg is it true? all sorts of discussions. Then, he said "they said it's her". My mind just went blownnnnnn. I seriously thought it was April's Fools.
I didn't believe it at first, I couldn't believe it. Then I went to ask one of my closest juniors. I didn't even say anything, I was just calling his name in the messenger, with two exclamation marks hahaha.
Then he replied in the speed of light, "yeap it's true"
I didn't even finish typing my question.

He called me, he verified it, and our friends saw it. The juniors I was chatting with when I was still in the school. We talked for a while, we couldn't believe it neither verify it. We haven't gotten any further news.
I hung the phone, I actually still couldn't believe it. Like how? and why?

We were discussing in our group, information came in, they said it has spread all over the private institutions in Johor. People from other school had came and asked what happened, even one of my friend's high school friend. And they had jumped conclusion on it, which was totally fake.

My friend then sent us a photo of her sitting on the edge, I freaked out. I didn't even dare to click into the picture. From that we could tell it's her.
I only accepted the truth when the news article came out. I cried my heart out. I wasn't very close to her. But in the last semester, I hung around my juniors a lot, so I was quite close to some of them, and we are such a small dept, we know every one of us.
She was one of us, she was one of our English family. I couldn't accept the truth that a family member of ours left us.

I cried it all out, before I called my junior again. I was telling him about the picture and the news article, which again, is totally false.
We were angry at the people taking photos. I was really angry.

I didn't actually realise there's videos going around. Until the next day, we were going to her funeral, I was scrolling my phone, and saw someone posted that they've seen the video and it's traumatizing. I was so damn angry when I know there's someone filming.
My friend then said she's seen it but she didn't dare to show it to us. Thankfully she didn't otherwise I'll be angry at her too.

One thing I'm glad for this school is that no one posted anything nor photos on the school's Facebook group. I was scrolling for more information when we're still unsure, but no results at all. At least there's the respect there.

The news article is so misleading, that our head of department had to come out and post in our DOE group to clarify things up. It's so damn misleading and funny. ha ha ha.

I don't know what happened, and the reason behind it. Bygone is bygone. Gone is gone. She's gone. She is not in this world anymore. I've heard guesses and so-called-conclusions on this but I didn't want to clarify it. I don't want her to be the gossip that people can talk about. You know how in Chinese we had the saying goes 茶餘飯後. 我不想她成為別人的茶餘飯後的話題, 所以我不想去澄清, 不想去討論.

It's funny how in the afternoon while I was with juniors. They were waiting for someone to come. We were saying he might died for being so late. I was saying so let's get him some flowers, then a girl say oh yeah let's get from the road side, those small flowers.
When he finally came, she told him the story, and he was like I want rose. I was like wah he likes fancy flowers one, those small flowers cannot one lah.
Then in the night, I was asking her what should we prepare for the funeral as we never been to a non Chinese funeral before, and all we do is money hahaha.
She said get some flower. It's like dejavu. We were joking about it in the afternoon, and it came true.
In the end, I really got her white rose. I bet she'll love it.

I just hope everyone in our department will be okay. I don't want to attend any funeral in my society shirt anymore.
I'm always proud to wear my society shirt because it represents DOE. But I've worn it twice to funerals. Once is our old professor, aka our Grampa's, and then it's hers.
I don't want to wear it to funerals anymore.

Everyone is being loved. No one is living without love. Love and humanity is still existing in this world, don't give up on it, don't be disappoint to it, don't do silly things.
She may had chosen the best and quickest way to leave this world, but the effects that she left behind is huge. To leave this world is easy. There are so many ways to leave and there's even a book talking about a shop selling suicide tools. But that's black humour so don't believe it hahaha.
But after you leave this world, do you aware of what will happen to your family? Your friend?
I was devastating when I saw her mother. She was not crying, but she was saying why are you guys crying? I'm gonna go with her she needs me. She couldn't accept the truth.
When my juniors came in, I was heartbroken to see her crying like that. She just came back from overseas, and got the news. She couldn't stop herself from crying. I was so so so heartbroken to see them crying like that.

I always thought myself as the mother of DOE because I was the president and now I'm the oldest senior of the department. It's really devastating to see such thing happened.
The world is still good. Please do not give up.