Monday, September 4, 2017

Hearbroken.

Everything happened too suddenly. I didn't believe it when I first heard it.

So everyone must have known what happened since the news article went out after 2 hours and it went viral.

I was in school that day, after class, hanging out with my juniors, we were chatting. I left school around 4:30, went back home, did my own thing, went online.
I felt sleepy after a while, so I switched off my light around 5:50, wanting to get some sleep. It's late for a nap, I know hahaha.
I was still playing with my phone, then a message in a whatsapp group freaked me out.
At first it was, "I heard from my hostel friend, saying that someone jumped from the new building in our school." I literally freaked out. I never thought this will happen in our school!
We were discussing, like what happened, omg is it true? all sorts of discussions. Then, he said "they said it's her". My mind just went blownnnnnn. I seriously thought it was April's Fools.
I didn't believe it at first, I couldn't believe it. Then I went to ask one of my closest juniors. I didn't even say anything, I was just calling his name in the messenger, with two exclamation marks hahaha.
Then he replied in the speed of light, "yeap it's true"
I didn't even finish typing my question.

He called me, he verified it, and our friends saw it. The juniors I was chatting with when I was still in the school. We talked for a while, we couldn't believe it neither verify it. We haven't gotten any further news.
I hung the phone, I actually still couldn't believe it. Like how? and why?

We were discussing in our group, information came in, they said it has spread all over the private institutions in Johor. People from other school had came and asked what happened, even one of my friend's high school friend. And they had jumped conclusion on it, which was totally fake.

My friend then sent us a photo of her sitting on the edge, I freaked out. I didn't even dare to click into the picture. From that we could tell it's her.
I only accepted the truth when the news article came out. I cried my heart out. I wasn't very close to her. But in the last semester, I hung around my juniors a lot, so I was quite close to some of them, and we are such a small dept, we know every one of us.
She was one of us, she was one of our English family. I couldn't accept the truth that a family member of ours left us.

I cried it all out, before I called my junior again. I was telling him about the picture and the news article, which again, is totally false.
We were angry at the people taking photos. I was really angry.


I didn't actually realise there's videos going around. Until the next day, we were going to her funeral, I was scrolling my phone, and saw someone posted that they've seen the video and it's traumatizing. I was so damn angry when I know there's someone filming.
My friend then said she's seen it but she didn't dare to show it to us. Thankfully she didn't otherwise I'll be angry at her too.

One thing I'm glad for this school is that no one posted anything nor photos on the school's Facebook group. I was scrolling for more information when we're still unsure, but no results at all. At least there's the respect there.

The news article is so misleading, that our head of department had to come out and post in our DOE group to clarify things up. It's so damn misleading and funny. ha ha ha.




I don't know what happened, and the reason behind it. Bygone is bygone. Gone is gone. She's gone. She is not in this world anymore. I've heard guesses and so-called-conclusions on this but I didn't want to clarify it. I don't want her to be the gossip that people can talk about. You know how in Chinese we had the saying goes 茶餘飯後. 我不想她成為別人的茶餘飯後的話題, 所以我不想去澄清, 不想去討論.




It's funny how in the afternoon while I was with juniors. They were waiting for someone to come. We were saying he might died for being so late. I was saying so let's get him some flowers, then a girl say oh yeah let's get from the road side, those small flowers.
When he finally came, she told him the story, and he was like I want rose. I was like wah he likes fancy flowers one, those small flowers cannot one lah.
Then in the night, I was asking her what should we prepare for the funeral as we never been to a non Chinese funeral before, and all we do is money hahaha.
She said get some flower. It's like dejavu. We were joking about it in the afternoon, and it came true.
In the end, I really got her white rose. I bet she'll love it.


I just hope everyone in our department will be okay. I don't want to attend any funeral in my society shirt anymore.
I'm always proud to wear my society shirt because it represents DOE. But I've worn it twice to funerals. Once is our old professor, aka our Grampa's, and then it's hers.
I don't want to wear it to funerals anymore.

Everyone is being loved. No one is living without love. Love and humanity is still existing in this world, don't give up on it, don't be disappoint to it, don't do silly things.
She may had chosen the best and quickest way to leave this world, but the effects that she left behind is huge. To leave this world is easy. There are so many ways to leave and there's even a book talking about a shop selling suicide tools. But that's black humour so don't believe it hahaha.
But after you leave this world, do you aware of what will happen to your family? Your friend?
I was devastating when I saw her mother. She was not crying, but she was saying why are you guys crying? I'm gonna go with her she needs me. She couldn't accept the truth.
When my juniors came in, I was heartbroken to see her crying like that. She just came back from overseas, and got the news. She couldn't stop herself from crying. I was so so so heartbroken to see them crying like that.

I always thought myself as the mother of DOE because I was the president and now I'm the oldest senior of the department. It's really devastating to see such thing happened.
The world is still good. Please do not give up. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

힘들어

요즘에 너무 힘들어 것 같아. 학교도 친구도 숙제도 다. 아니 지겨워이라고 해야 되냐?

친구는 날 대하는 태도가 완전히 변했어. 남친생긴다후가...? 남친있으니까 친구가 필요없나봐 ㅋㅋ 친구는 뭔데
또 이말이야. 몇년전 같은말 때문에 친구가 잃어보렸어. 나 얘 왕따를 시킨다고 했어
근데 나 그냥 하고싶은 말 다 했을뿐이야. 그것도 죄 있나봐.

학교가기싫어졌어. 진심. 진짜 지겼고 싫어. 가서 뭐해? 친구있듯 친구아닌 친구같은 친구이됐어