Sunday, February 4, 2018

Questioning myself.

Hmm. I just realized it's been way too long since I last came back to here. Took a glance, it's actually not that long! Hahaha.

It's February 2018. Figured I should write a little. I've started working, it's kinda familiar yet unfamiliar. It's a place where I've stayed for 3 months, but it's my first time teaching 4 classes and having such a busy schedule.
I suck at teaching. I can't teach English in English. Yet I'm the one talking about how English should be taught in English, and how English classes being the only input of the students in thesis. I can't bear to see puzzled faces. Instead, I speak Chinese. It caught supervisors' attention very quickly. Everyone is telling me to teach in English. Everyone is telling me I'm being to kind and friendly to the students.

I have my motto and goal. I don't want the students to learn in a very bored atmosphere, I don't want them to think the teacher can do nothing but scolding. I want to create a happy classroom for both party. But obviously the school doesn't like it. The students are taking it for granted. I kinda lost my balance. I was at my edges. I lost it after 2 weeks.

I do enjoy teaching. I enjoy shit talking in the class, I enjoy teaching new knowledge to the students. But students are taking it for granted, they don't cherish the friendliness of mine hahaha. They can't take the measure, they went overboard at most of the times. I was furious, but I didn't shout. The last thing I ever wanted to do in teaching is shouting at the students. But I do shout a lot "keep quiet" in the class though. hahaha you know what I mean.

It's very heartbreaking when students are being way too talkative in class, and when they fall asleep. I'm the kind of person who takes everything to heart. They're saying don't take any emotions from work to home. Vent it out, talk to the colleagues, let it go.

I did. I always waited till my friend finished her class, and talk to her. But it seems like I'm spreading too much negativeness in the office. When I came home, I really didn't think about work because I was just too tired.

But when I think about it, I wanna cry. The stress from the supervisors, the attitudes of the students, the advise the other teachers has given. I kinda started questioning myself, am I really suitable to be a teacher?

But I have make it through for 1 months. I'm still struggling to find the balance of being strict and being friendly. Hopefully I can find it soon.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

October 2017.

Well it's been a long time.
I just spent around an hour to look back at my life, how has it changed in these years.

Back then, after coming back from school, the first thing I do was turn on my laptop. I would go on YouTube, I would start watching makeup tutorials.
I've said it before, my first makeup guru was Michelle Phan. I started to watch her videos in 2009/2010, then I started to discover other makeup gurus. That was my best time ever.
I'm always glad that I've binged watching them. You know how in the school, the teachers are teaching English in Malay lol. We never really hear English in school, and even though we did, it was Manglish.
The YouTube videos that I've watched, they were my only English input. I listen to them for at least a good 2 years, before I stepped into the Korean world hahahaha.

All the words I've learned from them, even though a lot of them are like makeup jargon, but I did learn a lot! One of the things I could remember was the word "acne" came up in the exam paper. So many people got it wrong, but I got it correct happily hahaha because I learned that word from makeup tutorials!

I've been telling people to listen more, in order to learn a language. People would usually ask, what do you watch? I always answered makeup tutorials hahahahaha.
I'm also glad that I kinda adopted the accent. I still remember in my first year of degree, one of our classmates asked our lecturer to evaluate our speaking, and he said I was the best. I was so happy that all the time that I spent on YouTube didn't go to drain! hahahahahaha
And in last semester, another lecturer gave a same answer and pointed out I need more effort, but I'm still happy that he acknowledged me hahahaha.
My accent, wait I would not say accent, but the way I pronounce words, had caught our lecturer's attention. We were having literature class and I was reciting a poem. He found my differences, and asked me a couple words. I couldn't remember all of them but I remember "common". I didn't realize my difference at all until he asked this. And every one in the room read the word as how they would. Then I finally see the effect that the videos has left on me hahaha

Anyways, my main point isn't this.
I stepped into the Korean world in late 2012, and immersed in there by the beginning of 2013. I've stopped watching makeup tutorials almost immediately.
It's been a good 4 years, and it struck me how long I've stopped watching them.
I went back to one of my fav gurus' channel, and she has changed her videos' style after resting for a very long time. Another guru has totally stopped making videos for 1 year.
And my fav of all time, she took a year of rest from the internet world, and she has grown sooooo much.
It struck me that how much I've changed, and how much the gurus has changed.
When I started watching them, I was like 15, and they were 17-22 I assumed. Now I'm 22, and they were in their late 20s.
No one do the same style of videos anymore like how they used to do.
The way they speak, the way they present themselves on the camera, is totally different.
Back then, one of the gurus spoke super duper fast. Her speaking speed was so fast that I found myself going back to understand what she was talking about. But I just watched her newest video, she has became so calm, and grown up.

How much they've grown, and how much I have grown.

Back then, I was the whiny one who likes to write everything on blog. I made this my public diary, but I couldn't get a balanced of it, what can be public, what should be only in diary.
I've wrote everything---and when I say everything, it's EVERYTHING.
I've stopped writing for so long. One of the reasons being my life has became so repetitive---wake up, school, Korean shows, sleep. All over again.
There's nothing for me to write. And even I want to whine, there's nothing lol.

I very often find myself being too immersed in the internet. But I can't help.
I have a thesis which dues in few weeks, and I'm still immersed in the Korean world.
I have no idea what to do to my life, to myself.

I posted pictures of an email from the 2016 myself on instagram. Apparently I'm too free to find out this way to send an email to the future self hahahaha but yeah.
It's pretty awesome. I totally forgot about the thing, and was surprised to see it to appear in my mailbox.
I've written what I see myself in future, what I hope the future self has achieved, and most importantly, I reminded myself abut friendship.
Well friendship has always been a huge part of my life--and it still is.
But I'm well aware that I've cracked my best friendship. I reminded myself in the email, and hopefully I've done something in the past year to repair it.
But well, I'm sorry to say this to the 2016 me, but I didn't make it :(
I don't have the courage. This is me, the ostrich me. I'm so ostrich-minded that I'm used to run away from the problem and not thinking about it. Then by the time I want to do something about it, the time has gone too far and there's nothing I can do anymore.
I've talked about this so much in the past, but I'm still me, the one with no courage to make any move.

I have no idea how this post has gotten this far hahahahaha.
I just wanted to write a post about how much I've grown from the YouTube era, to the Korean era.
Now I shall go back to my Korean show, ciaos!