Sunday, March 4, 2012

Super duper sad.

*CAUTIONS, THIS POST WILL BE MY RAMBLING ON MY NEWEST ENGLISH EXAM. IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO READ THIS KIND OF NEGATIVE THINGS, PLEASE CLOSE THIS BROWSER OR TAB RIGHT NOW. THANKS.*

I supposed to write something and upload some photos. But I feel sad all of sudden. My Eng exam came to my mind. 74%.

For some of the people in my class, 74% may be a quite high marks, since most of the Malays in class can't score a very high score.
But for me, it is a low low lowww mark. This is not the lowest mark that I've ever get, this is neither the lowest mark I get in Eng subject, but this time, it really makes me sad.
Eng is a important subject to me.
I've been tuition-ing for Eng for 10 years. Yup, you read that right. 10 years. I'm 17 this year. Yupp, I started my Eng tuition when I was 7.
I've been loving this subject, I always interested in this subject and I have no idea why is this happen.

When I got my paper back yesterday, I saw a huge 74% on the right corner of paper. My tears ran out.
I never knew that I'll get this mark.
Before yesterday, Ms Cheong did give the answer to us. I checked, I did some wrong. For the directed writing, I got 28 out of 35. I did feel, my marks will be low this time. But I thought I won't get lower than 75. But I get 74.
The summary, there are almost 20 points. But I only hit 7 points. I got only 10/15 in summary. I lost 3 content marks and 2 language marks.

For me, 75-79 is A-, 80-89 is A, 90-100 is A+. I know I won't get A+ at all, I knew that I don't have the ability. But at least, A- grade please. I told my cousin before, I don't want to get marks below 80. Because for me, the scale of grade is the same with primary school, 80-100 is A.
This time, I got only 74. Even though in school, 70-79 is A-. My scale above only applies in SPM. I still got an A. But, I don't want this mark.

I think this mark really embarrassed me. I really felt embarrassed, awkward, sad when I saw the mark.

Moreover, I got only 13 marks for the language in directed writing. 13 out of 20. Ms Cheong said it was only C band. I think she tried to console me, she said I have a lot of creative ideas, but only the grammar drag me down. She said our class's average should be better since there are some quite good in this class, maybe they are better in English.

Yes, I'm way better in English to the other subjects. So, I take it important.

*My chest is kinda hurting now because I've been crying from the 15 minutes ago.*


I knew I'm poor in grammar, but my grammar always the better when I do essays exercise than exams.

I really don't want 74.

I really don't like 74.

I hate 74 now.

I hate getting low marks for Eng.

Fuck, now I think I wasted 10 years of time for tuition classes.

Fuck, now I think I waste money for tuition classes.

Fuck 74.

Fuck.


I should have better grammar.

I should write slower and think carefully instead of just write whatever pops in my mind.

I should be careful.

I should be better.

I should be improve.

I need to get at least 80 in the next exam. This is always my goal for Eng.
I need to achieve this goal in the next exam.

CHUA PEI JUAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU SUCKS. YOU SUCKS SO BADLY IN ENGLISH. YOU TRIP SO BADLY IN THIS EXAM. YOU FUCK. FUCK YOU.

Only the first exam. But this is the first exam in form five, in the last year. I can't even reach my goal in the first exam, this really hit me badly. BADLY.
I was hurt. I hurt so badly.
I suck.
I fuck.
Fuck me.


I'm not really trying to brag that I got 74, the highest among my friends in my class. I just trying to express how sad, how disappoint am I.
I feel depressed.

I SUCKS.

I HATE MYSELF.

1 comment:

  1. hi there, blaming yourself won't bring any good...moreover, the true meaning of learning English doesn't really reflect on your exam marks (very few could actually see it through)...anyway, take it as a drive for you to achieve something better the next time...u go girl~

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