Sunday, July 22, 2012

对不起.

好吧, 最后决定来一篇华语的.
太多话想说, 却不知道在哪里说.
只好回到部落格, 再度破例写华语的.
原本打算可以的话, 尽量不要写华语的.


其实为什么, 你们要对号入座.
现在有一个人不爽的, 不是你们, 而是本来我要带的人.
感觉他非常乐意的想要让你们参加.


自己心里也不好受呢.
原本以为可以开开心心的, 一大群人一起玩.
可是因为我要带的人, 引发了战争.
怎么, 突然发现其实是我的错..?
对吧, 其实是我的错吧.
那我一开始的直觉没错吧.
真的, 是我的错耶.
我怎么那么笨, 现在才想起.
怎么办, 是我引起了一切的事情.

原来苗头是我.
我真的没想到这一点.
回忆起来, 拼凑起来, 真的是我.
之前说要加入你们的时候, 他没意见.
我说要带的人后, 他就开始给了很多很多借口.

其实是我也.
怎么办.
我怎么可以那么后知后觉!




其实是我引发的战争.
好吧我准备大哭了.

不是因为是我的错,
而是因为我引发了战争!
怎么办...



嘉慧, 对不起.
我现在才发现是我的错.
害你那么难做.
对不起对不起.
一直以为是那个人的错, 现在看来是因为我的提议而引发了战争.
害你两边都难做人.
是我的错.
真的很对不起.



雯莉凯琳,
对不起.
那个人针对的不是你们. 真的.
他针对的是我带的人.
对不起对不起.
我现在才发现是我的错真的很抱歉.
让你们很难过真的很抱歉.
我很怕这会让你们以后尴尬,
真的很对不起.



怎么办.
我的后知后觉真的引发了很多事情.
都是我的错.




为什么总是到了半夜, 感触特多.
头脑也特别清醒.
突然想透了.


我到底该怎么办?
罪恶感一直袭击我.
脑袋里统统都是负面思想, 满满都是罪恶感.

因为自己, 害了很多人.
怎么办怎么办.


如果早知道会这样, 我就不会提议我再带人.
原本都快谈好了一切,
只因为我说要带人, 就变这样了.


早知道我就不要提议自己再带人了.


早知道....可是现在一切都只是早知道.


换个方向想, 真的会看透事情.
就好像是个3D立体图, 方向换了, 就会看到另一面.
原本我看着的, 是那个人的诸多刁难.

现在换个面看, 原来是我的错.


该怎么做, 才能弥补?


我没有故意把错往身上揽,
真的是我的错.



本来就说要加入你们. 他赞成.
我说要带人, 他才开始刁难.
然后让你们认为他刁难的是你们.
不是的不是的.
他刁难的是我.



原来最错的是我自己.
原来后知后觉是这么可怕的事情.
原来当负面思想慢慢的充满脑袋后, 会想死.


应该要弥补吧?
可是该怎么做?


mian an nae,
jin ja mian an nae.


完了.

后知后觉, 摧毁了一切.


都是我的错.


对不起.

mian an nae.



Saturday, July 21, 2012

Fuck off, bitch.

Fuck.
This is the only word that appear in my mind after recalled back everything happened today.

We planned to play running man. We organized everything, plan everything. From team members, mission items, place, time, etc etc. We have to take care of everything.
Then this person, who said wanted to join, he was one of the organizer as well.
But now, he used every excuse, just because he doesn't want to join us.

First, he said he don't want people other than our class to join. Because I asked my bro and his friends to join us as well.
After Esther, Ms Mong, Eunice and Tang Tang talked to him, he agreed to join.
But then, he said he can't go on Saturday because he have to play with his other friends, who plan to play every Saturday.
Finally, he gave a suggestion. Why don't his group of friends versus us?
Fuck off bitch.

Who do you think you are?
You're just a person in our class.
If you don't want to go, just say so.
Don't try to give us those ridiculous excuses.

I did tear in class today.
I thought he was picking on me at first.
Because at the moment he found out that I'm in the same group with him, he asked me to leave game. Right after he found out.
Then today we told him that my bro and his friends will join us. He said he don't want to go then.
I really thought he was picking on me, really.

I said I won't go then. Since he will be so unsatisfied, me, my bro and his friends, we all won't join. You guys can have good time then. I just don't want to let anyone angry or what, we left only 4 months to be together, in this class.

After I told Eunice, my eyes were moistured with tears. I tried hard to don't let them fall down. Thanks God they did hold well.
After get rid of Eunice, I buried my face into my bag, and pretend to sleep. At that time, my mind was only full of negative thinking. I was so sure that he was picking on me!
I cried. No one knew. Good acting!



The last period, right after the bell rings, Esther ran out from class immediately. We even haven't greet Ms Cheong!
Eunice told me what happened, and Esther was angry.


Indeed, she should be angry.
She's not only have to care about us, she have to care about others in other class. They kept giving her bad time.


Fuck, I want to cry now.
It's the last year, it's the last 4 months.
All we wanted to do, is have a good time, with every one of 5EA1.
But we failed to do that. We even haven't reach the day, there's 1 month left to the game day.
We're like falling apart.
God.
My tears can't stop.
Why is it so hard to have everyone happy?

Now, he's like the person I hated the most in our class. Because of him, Esther lost her temper, I thought I was the one who get picked on. I thought I'll be the one who was out of this class.



Damn, negative thinking, please leave me alone..


Damn, I just had the mask on. Now all the goodness that my skin had absorbed will be washed off by the tears.




I can't reveal the person I'm talking about. But if you're one of our class, you'll know.
Bitch.
Although you're a guy, but I think bitch is the only suitable word for you.
Bitch.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

15-7-2012

Hey guys!!
The last post gained quite a lot of views for me, as I don't get more than 15 views for every post normally. I'm not famous or something, I'm just a lil student who own a no-one-reading blog. Yeah!

Last Friday, the Malays in school have a programme called "praktikal haji". So we Chinese and Indians have our own programme.
And for us the Chinese, only form 4 and 5 were watching a movie in hall!! Woohoo!
My bro told me on Thursday, so I knew it already.
We watched this funny movie which is 100% original and from Johor!

#Stage  《台上台下》

It's a story about dance. There are 2 students who met a mystery masked man, a girl and a boy.
The girl is good at singing, but she has stage fright so she don't dare to sing in public.
The boy is the most famous boy in school, his name is Handsome. XDD
The mystery masked man taught them dancing, then their friends joins them as well. They talked about the relationship between dance studios. They can't befriend with people from other dance studios, and they hope to change that situation.
At the end, they performed on stage. The girl has overcome the stage fright.

This story is basically about dancing, and it's really freaking funny.
I laughed very very loud when they dance [I am the best] by 2NE1 in classroom.

When I watch this, I wanna like, dance or just sway along with the music, but everyone was watching calmly so I don't dare to do anything. But when I watched it with my bro, I did dance lol!




My science pass!!!!!! 50%. =D Never though that I will pass because most of the questions are from form 4, the nuclear chapter that I don't understand at all.
I'm not that looking forward to my English result in fact. Yesterday there's extra class in school, and when Ms Cheong came in with a huge stack of paper, I didn't feel nervous at all.
Maybe because of the questions are too easy, though the summary did give me hard time.
Or because I really don't care any results now lol.


We are going to outside to study tomorrow! I don't remember where will we go, but we planned to study mathematics tomorrow! Ms Mong aka Wen Wen will teach us since she's good at mathematics.
I will teach them English, but I have no idea what to teach as I always answer with my feelings. Especially at grammar, why should use this word, this tense, I don't know but I can answer them correctly lol.


Michelle Phan aka my favourite makeup artist will be going to Singapore on 28th July!!!!
OMGGGG  My mum promised to bring me there!!!! But I hope she'll remember her promise *fingers crossed*
I don't want to lose this chance to meet her as she only do meet and greet in Sephora, and the Sephora in Malaysia is in KL, too far =((


I watched 5 episodes of Running Man today! In fact I can watch 6 episodes but I went to Jusco to buy things and lunch, and it took me 1 hour.
I bought the new BB stick from Maybelline!! I tried it but I didn't moisturise my face beforehand therefore it turned out very dry, so I'll try next time after I moisturise my face.
I bought a master liner from Maybelline as well. Maybelline day!


Gonna browse 9gag then go to sleep. Bye guys!!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Future.

Future is such a scary thing to me. I don't know what to do in future.
There's an education fair in our school on Thursday. I went to almost every "stall", browse through every document, and I'm still like in lost.

I always wanted to become a makeup artist since I first watch Michelle Phan on YouTube, then I know Elle Fowler, Blair Fowler, Bubzbeauty, etc etc. Because of them, especially Michelle, they make me feel like being a makeup artist is fun. You get to work with every kind of people, your life won't be dull. All you need to have is passion.
But, in Malaysia, I don't think makeup is that important in our life. We usually reach for a makeup artist only when there's huge occasion, like wedding or big events. So, I'm worried about the job problem.
By the way, the course for full makeup course+UK certificate cost 50k. That's a huge amount to me.
And, I don't think my mum will let me to study this, I don't even dare to bring up the topic.
So, no matter how much I love makeup, I guess I should give up this ambition right...?

My mum asked me to study about IT. Yeah, I think this is good. Because I have no good result, and IT doesn't require any result, neither add math. But IT can be separated into many sub courses, and I don't know which one to choose.
In my heart, do I really want to choose IT...? I don't know..



Anyways, on Thursday, a representative from Alfa college, he's cute! lol
He spoke English once we reached there. And, in fact, I'm kinda nervous. And, he reminded me of Ms Cheong at the moment.
Because he spoke very fluently. We asked him about the courses, and I asked about the tempo of the course. When we filled up some form, he said I'm brave. I was like, why?
He said because most of the people were shy to speak to him. Well, I think I just asked the question that everyone should ask isn't?! lol
I asked him is he Chinese because his skin tone is like Chinese. Then he said he's Malay. I was like OMG. We were so surprised. Then I asked him did he study oversea, he said he study in local school.
And I'm freaking surprised again. Maybe he's amused by my expression, he asked why. I said his English is impressive.
I meant it, impressive. Because most of the Malays, when they speak English, you can still tell that they are Malays because of their accent. Even the DJs in English radio station as well.




It's July. So far, I'm very happy in 5EA1. I never think that we girls can be so harmony. We literally gossip everyday, laughing at each other.
I like the feel that, we can make fun of each other, we can call names of each other, we can say you are stupid, without anyone getting angry, we even laugh louder.
This is really out of my expectation.
But, left only 4 months to SPM, left less then 5 months then we're done in this school. Damn, I feel sad now.
What if we all go to other state to study, to pursue our dreams? What if someday I really miss this class, wanted to gather everyone together but can't because of study or work?
It's sad. If I called someone out, and they're like "can't because I have to study/work".




小的时候会一直想要长大, 想要认识新朋友, 想要看看这美好的世界.
随着时间慢慢的流逝, 却发现世界不是想象中那么梦幻, 那么美好.
渐渐地, 心痛了. 做错了事, 难过了.
越来越容易哭, 越来越容易难过.
听一首歌, 会突然有某一句歌词, 深深地打入心里.
突然觉得视线模糊了, 脸颊湿润了.
用手擦擦, 发现那是难过的眼泪.
感动的事情, 必须要从网络上感受到, 必须从电视剧集里感受到.
原本以为是很美好的世界, 现实中却与想象中背道而驰.
没有华丽的邂逅, 没有永恒的友情, 没有一样是与想象中符合的.
于是, 开始爱上小说, 因为里面有向往的友情和爱情.
把整个系列读完, 突然抽离小说, 回到了现实世界.
还是要面对一样的事情, 还是要面对难题.
考试考不好, 无从倾诉.
怕告诉别人, 却觉得你骄傲, 只因你分数比较高一点点.
原本以为是一辈子的强项科目, 却完全脱离轨道.
从金字塔的最高端, 默默地往下滑, 来到了最低端.
或许那对某些人来说是最高端, 或许某些人正默默地羡慕这个分数,
却不知, 从最顶端滑下来的那种心情.
殊不知, 那人已经哭得肠断, 哭得眼泪都快干了.
对于别人的羡慕之语, 却不知如何面对.

小时候一直向往的打扮漂亮, 长大后靠着看影片学会了.
却害怕面对人们的那讽刺、讥讽、嘲笑的目光, 从没认认真真打扮出门过, 即使是自己一个人出门.
从小, 就因为自己的身型, 备受嘲笑.
却不知, 其实是那在血液里流动的基因所害.
瘦的人, 从来就不知道胖的人的辛苦.

自己喜欢化妆, 却不敢对大众说出来.
只因为害怕异样的眼光.
化妆师给人的印象, 都是很漂亮, 很有气质.
自己长的这副模样, 只怕告诉别人后又会遭受异样眼光.
多少人是听我自己亲口说过, 多数, 都是看脸书状态, 照片, 部落格.
自己的内心, 有多少人知道?

小时候, 可以随随便便发脾气.
长大后, 却只能默默地躲在棉被里哭泣.
带着眼泪睡着, 已经是稀疏平常的事情了.

或许, 该擦擦眼泪, 认真的面对每一天.
勇敢的面对一切评语, 无视一切负面的打击.
勇敢的活出自己.
或许吧.


It's seems like I'm getting emotional again...