I'm never the kind of people who can express themselves well.
2 days ago was my Japanese friend's birthday, I prepared surprise with friends. We went out after exam to get gifts, we shopped for almost 5 hours, so exhausted. We were on our way back to school, only half an hour left to our dinner. A call ruined everything, I had no idea why the hell some no-related people want to barge in our surprise? Plan changed, thanks to my friend for the idea. Now I seriously hate some people in this programme. I couldn't vent my anger that day, not yet now too. I can still talk about what happened and still freaking angry at it.
Now we call us the Department of English students "the banana", lololol. Us the bananas hate the Chinese alright. Seriously, ugh.
Back to the topic, express. I wrote a birthday card to my friend, wrote things that I felt but I never bring myself to talk. I have such a huge obstacle to speak out from my heart! I can write and type without an problem, but when I see you in person, everything goes back in.
I actually prepared things to say to her, like just simple happy birthday and I hope you like this surprise, love you. I can't even say things like this.
Especially "love you", I can't say it easily. Of course to friends I'm referring, not the opposite sex. Girls always say love you super easily, because yes we do love each other that's why we're friends. I DO love my friends, I really do. But I just can't bring myself to say.
I always want to be a warm person, I know inside of me I'm warm. But the image that I give to people is cold. I never say warm things personally to friends. I say a lot of sarcastic things.
These Japanese friends like to say love you a lot, and my friends respond to them by saying love you too. But not me. I'll only make the heart by putting arms above my head. I just can't say it! :(((( But I wrote it in the birthday card hahaha.
I also not good at saying thank you whenever people gives me compliment. These days one of the Japanese friends said to me few times that I smell nice! I don't know what to respond, I just put up a surprise face, "really?" "hondo ni?" I never say thank you. :(((
I know this is super bad, not responding to people's compliment. But I always disagree with the compliments, I can find soooooo many reasons to disagree it. I'll think, I never go meet them right after I shower so that's no way it's my shower cream. I sweat all the time and no way I smell nice after all that sweat. Perhaps it's the car perfume?
So I never say thank you when I really should. :((((((
It's been 3 weeks and I'm still awkward with Japanese friends alone. I'm always not the type of person who can speak anything, who brings out a topic to speak. So we usually get very quiet. But my friends are active, they do speak a little Japanese and they can always come out things to speak. I don't know any Japanese words except food lol. So I always want to make sure that my friends are with me so we won't have the awkward silence throughout the day.
Ughhhhh I ALWAYS want myself to change in this. Be more active and be brave to express myself. I guess perhaps I feel pretty self-abased throughout my whole life and shy, so I never really express myself.
I tried to change, but I only feel comfortable when my friends are around. I even get to a point that Japanese friend asked am I sad? Because I said nothing and kept scrolling my phone. But perhaps because my eyes were puffy after watching last 5 episodes of Glee back-to-back and cried almost every episode hahaha.
But ugh, I NEED TO CHANGE. Be more cheerful and more chirpy I guess lolol. Stop being so emotionalllll.
But now my friends went back home for sembreak, I have no idea how to go out with Japanese friends lololol. I guess I have to wait for them to be back.
Ps we're planning a beach trip and it's so exciting!!!!!