Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Keep holding on.

I have a habit,
talking in the car.
Imagine there's an audience listen to me.
I can imagine anyone there, or just a person.
I talked today.
About my fears, with my accent.

I cried. 
I didn't notice how serious is the problem.
Until I started to tear.
I thought that's just a small matter.
It is, it really is.
But I guess I underestimate the importance of "English" in me.
I dug out the importance.
I had the feeling that I felt before,
whenever I couldn't get an A for the English exam.
The anxiousness, the disappointment, the sadness.

I thought it's easy to choose a stand.
American or British.
1 out of 2, simple huh.
But I can't choose between.
A huge part of me wants to hold on American.
A small part of me wants me to give up.
But both equally important.
 And I need to make a decision.

I don't want to throw my effort away.
It's been years, forcing myself into American accent.
I don't want to give up.
It's my dream, my ultimate dream, my FREAKING DREAM.

But I have to accept the truth that this is Malaysia.
And we go with British.
I write in British, I speak in American.
Why can't these two meet a balance?

I wish I can balance them.
But I can't, and I have to make a decision.
It's bothering me so much.
I need to find an exit.
I need to have a talk, I need to find a solution.

And I realized the importance of "English" in me.
I really did.
English means everything to me.
My only proud.
I hate everything part of me, but the English.
It's something I'm proud of.
I need to hold on.
I need to talk.

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