Thursday, October 19, 2017

October 2017.

Well it's been a long time.
I just spent around an hour to look back at my life, how has it changed in these years.

Back then, after coming back from school, the first thing I do was turn on my laptop. I would go on YouTube, I would start watching makeup tutorials.
I've said it before, my first makeup guru was Michelle Phan. I started to watch her videos in 2009/2010, then I started to discover other makeup gurus. That was my best time ever.
I'm always glad that I've binged watching them. You know how in the school, the teachers are teaching English in Malay lol. We never really hear English in school, and even though we did, it was Manglish.
The YouTube videos that I've watched, they were my only English input. I listen to them for at least a good 2 years, before I stepped into the Korean world hahahaha.

All the words I've learned from them, even though a lot of them are like makeup jargon, but I did learn a lot! One of the things I could remember was the word "acne" came up in the exam paper. So many people got it wrong, but I got it correct happily hahaha because I learned that word from makeup tutorials!

I've been telling people to listen more, in order to learn a language. People would usually ask, what do you watch? I always answered makeup tutorials hahahahaha.
I'm also glad that I kinda adopted the accent. I still remember in my first year of degree, one of our classmates asked our lecturer to evaluate our speaking, and he said I was the best. I was so happy that all the time that I spent on YouTube didn't go to drain! hahahahahaha
And in last semester, another lecturer gave a same answer and pointed out I need more effort, but I'm still happy that he acknowledged me hahahaha.
My accent, wait I would not say accent, but the way I pronounce words, had caught our lecturer's attention. We were having literature class and I was reciting a poem. He found my differences, and asked me a couple words. I couldn't remember all of them but I remember "common". I didn't realize my difference at all until he asked this. And every one in the room read the word as how they would. Then I finally see the effect that the videos has left on me hahaha

Anyways, my main point isn't this.
I stepped into the Korean world in late 2012, and immersed in there by the beginning of 2013. I've stopped watching makeup tutorials almost immediately.
It's been a good 4 years, and it struck me how long I've stopped watching them.
I went back to one of my fav gurus' channel, and she has changed her videos' style after resting for a very long time. Another guru has totally stopped making videos for 1 year.
And my fav of all time, she took a year of rest from the internet world, and she has grown sooooo much.
It struck me that how much I've changed, and how much the gurus has changed.
When I started watching them, I was like 15, and they were 17-22 I assumed. Now I'm 22, and they were in their late 20s.
No one do the same style of videos anymore like how they used to do.
The way they speak, the way they present themselves on the camera, is totally different.
Back then, one of the gurus spoke super duper fast. Her speaking speed was so fast that I found myself going back to understand what she was talking about. But I just watched her newest video, she has became so calm, and grown up.

How much they've grown, and how much I have grown.

Back then, I was the whiny one who likes to write everything on blog. I made this my public diary, but I couldn't get a balanced of it, what can be public, what should be only in diary.
I've wrote everything---and when I say everything, it's EVERYTHING.
I've stopped writing for so long. One of the reasons being my life has became so repetitive---wake up, school, Korean shows, sleep. All over again.
There's nothing for me to write. And even I want to whine, there's nothing lol.

I very often find myself being too immersed in the internet. But I can't help.
I have a thesis which dues in few weeks, and I'm still immersed in the Korean world.
I have no idea what to do to my life, to myself.

I posted pictures of an email from the 2016 myself on instagram. Apparently I'm too free to find out this way to send an email to the future self hahahaha but yeah.
It's pretty awesome. I totally forgot about the thing, and was surprised to see it to appear in my mailbox.
I've written what I see myself in future, what I hope the future self has achieved, and most importantly, I reminded myself abut friendship.
Well friendship has always been a huge part of my life--and it still is.
But I'm well aware that I've cracked my best friendship. I reminded myself in the email, and hopefully I've done something in the past year to repair it.
But well, I'm sorry to say this to the 2016 me, but I didn't make it :(
I don't have the courage. This is me, the ostrich me. I'm so ostrich-minded that I'm used to run away from the problem and not thinking about it. Then by the time I want to do something about it, the time has gone too far and there's nothing I can do anymore.
I've talked about this so much in the past, but I'm still me, the one with no courage to make any move.

I have no idea how this post has gotten this far hahahahaha.
I just wanted to write a post about how much I've grown from the YouTube era, to the Korean era.
Now I shall go back to my Korean show, ciaos!

Monday, September 4, 2017


Everything happened too suddenly. I didn't believe it when I first heard it.

So everyone must have known what happened since the news article went out after 2 hours and it went viral.

I was in school that day, after class, hanging out with my juniors, we were chatting. I left school around 4:30, went back home, did my own thing, went online.
I felt sleepy after a while, so I switched off my light around 5:50, wanting to get some sleep. It's late for a nap, I know hahaha.
I was still playing with my phone, then a message in a whatsapp group freaked me out.
At first it was, "I heard from my hostel friend, saying that someone jumped from the new building in our school." I literally freaked out. I never thought this will happen in our school!
We were discussing, like what happened, omg is it true? all sorts of discussions. Then, he said "they said it's her". My mind just went blownnnnnn. I seriously thought it was April's Fools.
I didn't believe it at first, I couldn't believe it. Then I went to ask one of my closest juniors. I didn't even say anything, I was just calling his name in the messenger, with two exclamation marks hahaha.
Then he replied in the speed of light, "yeap it's true"
I didn't even finish typing my question.

He called me, he verified it, and our friends saw it. The juniors I was chatting with when I was still in the school. We talked for a while, we couldn't believe it neither verify it. We haven't gotten any further news.
I hung the phone, I actually still couldn't believe it. Like how? and why?

We were discussing in our group, information came in, they said it has spread all over the private institutions in Johor. People from other school had came and asked what happened, even one of my friend's high school friend. And they had jumped conclusion on it, which was totally fake.

My friend then sent us a photo of her sitting on the edge, I freaked out. I didn't even dare to click into the picture. From that we could tell it's her.
I only accepted the truth when the news article came out. I cried my heart out. I wasn't very close to her. But in the last semester, I hung around my juniors a lot, so I was quite close to some of them, and we are such a small dept, we know every one of us.
She was one of us, she was one of our English family. I couldn't accept the truth that a family member of ours left us.

I cried it all out, before I called my junior again. I was telling him about the picture and the news article, which again, is totally false.
We were angry at the people taking photos. I was really angry.

I didn't actually realise there's videos going around. Until the next day, we were going to her funeral, I was scrolling my phone, and saw someone posted that they've seen the video and it's traumatizing. I was so damn angry when I know there's someone filming.
My friend then said she's seen it but she didn't dare to show it to us. Thankfully she didn't otherwise I'll be angry at her too.

One thing I'm glad for this school is that no one posted anything nor photos on the school's Facebook group. I was scrolling for more information when we're still unsure, but no results at all. At least there's the respect there.

The news article is so misleading, that our head of department had to come out and post in our DOE group to clarify things up. It's so damn misleading and funny. ha ha ha.

I don't know what happened, and the reason behind it. Bygone is bygone. Gone is gone. She's gone. She is not in this world anymore. I've heard guesses and so-called-conclusions on this but I didn't want to clarify it. I don't want her to be the gossip that people can talk about. You know how in Chinese we had the saying goes 茶餘飯後. 我不想她成為別人的茶餘飯後的話題, 所以我不想去澄清, 不想去討論.

It's funny how in the afternoon while I was with juniors. They were waiting for someone to come. We were saying he might died for being so late. I was saying so let's get him some flowers, then a girl say oh yeah let's get from the road side, those small flowers.
When he finally came, she told him the story, and he was like I want rose. I was like wah he likes fancy flowers one, those small flowers cannot one lah.
Then in the night, I was asking her what should we prepare for the funeral as we never been to a non Chinese funeral before, and all we do is money hahaha.
She said get some flower. It's like dejavu. We were joking about it in the afternoon, and it came true.
In the end, I really got her white rose. I bet she'll love it.

I just hope everyone in our department will be okay. I don't want to attend any funeral in my society shirt anymore.
I'm always proud to wear my society shirt because it represents DOE. But I've worn it twice to funerals. Once is our old professor, aka our Grampa's, and then it's hers.
I don't want to wear it to funerals anymore.

Everyone is being loved. No one is living without love. Love and humanity is still existing in this world, don't give up on it, don't be disappoint to it, don't do silly things.
She may had chosen the best and quickest way to leave this world, but the effects that she left behind is huge. To leave this world is easy. There are so many ways to leave and there's even a book talking about a shop selling suicide tools. But that's black humour so don't believe it hahaha.
But after you leave this world, do you aware of what will happen to your family? Your friend?
I was devastating when I saw her mother. She was not crying, but she was saying why are you guys crying? I'm gonna go with her she needs me. She couldn't accept the truth.
When my juniors came in, I was heartbroken to see her crying like that. She just came back from overseas, and got the news. She couldn't stop herself from crying. I was so so so heartbroken to see them crying like that.

I always thought myself as the mother of DOE because I was the president and now I'm the oldest senior of the department. It's really devastating to see such thing happened.
The world is still good. Please do not give up. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017


요즘에 너무 힘들어 것 같아. 학교도 친구도 숙제도 다. 아니 지겨워이라고 해야 되냐?

친구는 날 대하는 태도가 완전히 변했어. 남친생긴다후가...? 남친있으니까 친구가 필요없나봐 ㅋㅋ 친구는 뭔데
또 이말이야. 몇년전 같은말 때문에 친구가 잃어보렸어. 나 얘 왕따를 시킨다고 했어
근데 나 그냥 하고싶은 말 다 했을뿐이야. 그것도 죄 있나봐.

학교가기싫어졌어. 진심. 진짜 지겼고 싫어. 가서 뭐해? 친구있듯 친구아닌 친구같은 친구이됐어

Monday, May 22, 2017

Mah uni life is coming to an end...

I've always known that this is my last year in university. But the fact didn't hit me because I was busy with internship earlier this year, and I was adjusting back to the student identity this semester hahahaha.

Until yesterday. It hit me. This is my freaking last year in uni. Every single event that I take part this year is the last year I'm in with the student identity.

The Aichi exchange program for the first. Then it was the Dynamic Campus performance that our school hold every year, it's a time for all the clubs to show what they got and let them shine. This year I went by the representative of the Korean club. I didn't went when I was in foundation. I went last year as the representative of department of English. The next time I go I will be just a public. A nobody.

Ugh it hits me so strong that when I think about my friends. We see each other literally every day, just like kindergarten. (hsm pun lol)  I won't be seeing these people in the future. That really hits me so hard. I'm a very clingy person, while people are excited about graduating and exploring the real world, I'm here like a little kid crying over not be able to see friends that often anymore.

I still can't write well, ugh. I'm still bad at writing. I still think my writing level is at secondary level, it has no improvement at all. That's one thing I feel so sad too. I always have different idea popping out, thus when I was writing assignments, I jumped here and there. I write whatever pops out in my mind, and I don't dare to read it hahahahahahahahaa I can't take it.

The sports day is coming up, and again, for the 4th year in a row, I'm still not taking part in it hahahahah but I'll miss seeing people practicing in different corners in the campus because we have a extremely small campus! Hahahahaha

The next is Jump Party, which is our annual mid-autumn celebration. We're a very Chinese uni as you can see hahahahahaha! We celebrate mid-autumn as a huge festival! This is also the last time I'm going as a student......

I guess the last event of the year is another performance day in October and I can't think of the name right now hahahahaha but anyways.

There're so many events that I can't attend anymore as a student. I'll definitely miss being a student and enjoy all the privileges that a student can have. I'm so scared of the upcoming future and graduating.

I have only literally half year to go.....

Tuesday, April 11, 2017


終於開學了, 我又可以做回那個白癡學生了! 今天上課的時候又很自然地頂了一下老師的嘴, 全部人講誒誒誒現在你是學生她是老師勒, 不要忘記勒! 全部人笑死哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
還沒習慣回來聽話. 早上上的體育課是寬中訓導主任. 一個月前我們還是同事, 一個月后我們就是師生了哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈 好奇妙的感覺!

姐終於卸任了 每個人都講Selina你也太開心了吧! 因為我總是很開心的提這件事情! 哈哈哈哈 我是真的很開心 我終於可以放下一切 不用再去做一堆很繁瑣的事情了 但是還是自己挖了一個招生嘉年華的洞 自己跳進去了......😂
這兩天一直喊我的八字啊......... 明明可以不用理的 但是自己很嘴賤的問主席 然後也很自願的扛起責任..... 結果我就後悔了...... 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈 一個人搬上搬下採買的時候我真的很累沒辦法啊啊啊啊啊 但是是做韓文社的, 可以來幫忙的人多很多, 真的很輕鬆了! 我甚至可以去上課讓他們處理 T.T 這真的是一件很感動的事情 T.T
我已經不知道多少個學期, 第一個星期的星期二和三都沒辦法上課, 因為要做嘉年華.... 我終於可以去上課.....哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈

這一個月內發生了很多事情 我累積了很多心酸. 等不到開學就全部和朋友講了. 講到哭天啊呵呵哈哈哈. 我真的很心酸, 心酸到連po兩篇instagram, 然後oppa還來安慰我.... 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
我不想再重複了啦 反正就真的很心酸. 但是昨天開會的時候老師很不會看顏色的當面提出來這樣, 貌似有解開了一點點.... 但是還要繼續看下去吧!

Here it comes again, I have so many minds unsorted, I can't find a way to express them ugh.

Monday, February 20, 2017


我真的很常在決定要靜下心來做正事的時候做別的事情哈哈哈哈哈哈哈. 現在應該要完成senior交代的工作, 但是我看看下資料后又跑偏了😂 突然想起很久沒有寫寫文字了 就來吧~

上星期senior突然來我們的座位和我們聊天. 天南地北的聊, 從我們的未來, 他自己的未來, 他的過去, 他的經歷, 我們的期許, 我們共同的展望, 到現在我們的狀況, 什麼都聊.

我們聊到現在的世界很快, 現在的學生和以前的我們不一樣了. 我說我現在陷入一種很彷徨的時期, 我不知道我每天都在活什麼. 我為了什麼而活? 而且我記憶力很差 很容易忘記昨天做了什麼. 我覺得那是因為我沒有用心在生活, 我找不到生活的意義.

senior說我和他一樣陷入了彷徨期. 當他在我這個年紀的時候, 他很焦躁. 那個時候他因為參加一個program去了一趟夏威夷. 回來後就覺得自己格格不入, 每天都很焦躁. 他說他過了快2年的焦躁期.

我覺得我們兩個其實個性蠻像的哈哈哈哈哈哈. 某些方面上來看. 很喜歡和他聊天, 因為他看的世界和我們不一樣, 總是很入神的在聽, 只是一講到literature..... 我就默默沉默了哈哈哈哈哈. 說來慚愧, 到現在都沒有完整讀完一本literature. 是時候把堆積灰塵了的書拿出來了嗎....?

我的彷徨期是去年開始的吧. 突然開始覺得自己好像迷路了. 明明念的是自己喜歡的科系, 為什麼每天過的好像迷路一樣? 和朋友提起過, 她說我好像長大了, 會想了, 她自己沒有遇到這樣的問題.

我不把這個當成長大的意思耶. 我真的覺得很彷徨. 我到底在過什麼樣的生活啊. 我到底是為了什麼而活著啊?

我現在的生活是一早起來去上課, 回家可能睡午覺, 可能上網.睡覺可能一睡就到晚上, 也可能到半夜, 也可能到隔天早上去了. 沒有完全睡過上課時間是我這2個月很感謝的一件事情 呵呵哈哈哈.
上網可能就看看綜藝節目, 然後youtube看看美妝video, 或者看節目的小短片, 一看就可能幾個小時過去了.
常常facebook上看個幾分鐘的小短片, 但是因為有recommended 的videos, 就會繼續看, 不知不覺半個小時到1個小時就這樣過去了.
我沒有辦法好好利用時間. 我就真的很彷徨 很焦躁.

我不知道要怎麼走出來. 還蠻慌張的現在.

除了寬中上課, 慶幸的是還有韓文社. 至少我不是只有在寬中活動這樣. 和他們在一起的時候很開心 因為我們聊天內容都蠻好笑的呵呵哈哈哈. 但是認真的時候也可以認認真真的開會.
真的很慶幸很慶幸進入了韓文社. 我真的 在南院沒有其他我可以約出來吃飯的人們. 但是韓文社的人我可以很舒服的在一起這樣. 真的是很慶幸很感謝.

有沒有人和我一樣陷入了彷徨期? 到底該怎麼走出來請輔導我. 哈哈哈哈哈

Sunday, February 5, 2017


新年快樂!! 遲來的祝福了哈哈哈哈 今天已經是農曆初九了 同時也是我的農曆生日~ 每年的初八跨初九的凌晨都有好多人為我慶祝生日 放煙花!! 哈哈哈哈哈哈! 其實是順便佔了天公爺的光~

實習已經1個月了. 真是不知不覺過掉的. 當初很害怕教3班, 結果因為來了新老師, 變回去2班, 後來因為老師產假結束回來了, 我變成實習另外一班了.

senior和我說過兩次, 很認真的問過我, selina你畢業后有想過回來做嗎? 這個問題在這裡真的被問了很多次, 我也思考過. senior說我很適合做老師, 他看到我的熱情. 但是我不知道我這份熱情, 當我成為正式老師后會不會被磨掉.... 現在一切的一切都很新鮮, 每天都在學習寬中. 慢慢學習, 慢慢熟悉這所我曾經很討厭的學校哈哈哈哈哈.

有想過, 畢業後就在這裡繼續做吧, 做個幾年, 再打算將來. 我媽媽一直很希望我去新加坡工作, 說實在的3倍耶, 有誰能夠抵抗那份誘惑. 我很喜歡新加坡的環境, 但是如果是長期居住, 我不知道我會不會還喜歡.

目前只想好好做完這剩下的1個多月, 然後順利在2個學期內畢業......

我利用了新年假期和這幾天, 終於看完了舉重妖精金福珠.
別人看起來是好笑和可愛的浪漫喜劇吧, 我看來卻很真實. 我哭了很多哈哈哈哈哈哈. 因為我真的能夠體諒福珠.
當然我不像她那麼厲害, 是舉重選手, 運動選手. 我們的共同點, 都是對自己沒有信心吧哈哈哈哈.
福珠默默暗戀載伊醫生的時候, 我很有同感. 自己長這樣, 到底誰敢告白. 被醫生發現身份的時候, 有多麼的丟臉. 醫生為了對自己好而道歉, 那個我哭得蠻慘的.
為什麼? 為什麼要因為對我好而道歉? 對我好是一種錯誤? 我真的無法理解醫生的想法.
醫生去看福珠比賽, 我和福珠一起哭了. 我能理解那種只想要表現自己好看的一面的想法. 沒有人想要給自己喜歡的人看見自己醜陋的一面.

我一直代入自己的情感進去. 我真的很能夠理解福珠的想法. 只是我們還是不一樣的哈哈哈哈哈哈. 人生和電視劇不一樣, 長得像南朋友的人不是滿街都有的. 長得像南朋友的人也只會喜歡長得像李聖經的人. 不是我們這種普通人 一般人.

除了感情, 我看到大結局的時候又哭了哈哈哈哈哈哈 啊我就是哭點很低很低的人咩.
好像很少看到講大學的戲. 請回答吧系列我沒看過. 看過的校園劇都是高中, 而且沒有太多描述畢業的.
這個大結局出現了大學畢業典禮. 我又感傷了. 我真的真的沒有想過我的畢業典禮會是怎麼樣的. 我沒有想過離開南院的時候我的心情會是怎麼樣的. 因為我已經很熟悉這個地方了, 我在這裡第5年了. 都和整個中學同年了.
回想我看過的這5年的畢業, 都是開心的找人家拍照, 留紀念. 我好像沒看過難過的....
可是我怎麼覺得我會哭. 最後一天的時候, 看著從來沒跑過的大操場, 曾經因為和日本學生一起進行運動會而去過的籃球場排球場, 很多回憶的中醫樓, 我們英文系辦公室3樓, 我們的會所, 上過課的課室們........
在這所學校不知不覺累積了很多的回憶. 好像每一個角落, 我都能講出一個回憶點.
曾經在foundation只有一個朋友, 後來英文系有2個朋友, 然後變成一個小家庭, 後來慢慢延伸到剩下我們5個人一起.
現在5個人裡面1個畢業了, 剩下的我們4個也今年明年就會畢業了. 好快...... 當年還是新生, 現在已經是最後一年的senior了.......
想到要離開, 真的很難過.......
回憶太多了, 捨不得離開.
召開過的會議, 出席過的會議, 演出過的舞台劇, 導過的舞台劇, 等等等等, 我學習了很多.

好好享受最後一年大學生活吧 :D
不要留下後悔了... 人生有太多的後悔, 不要連大學也留下.

Friday, January 13, 2017


我不是一个很会自制的人. 怎么说呢..... 冲动是魔鬼. 我常常冲动做了不对的选择哈哈哈哈哈哈哈.

尤其体现在煮东西上哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈. 会思考, 嗯, 这个分量够吗? 好像满饿的.... 煮多一点好了. 结果又over eating了.

就很冲动啊. 行动快过于脑子.我的心带领着我的脑. 突然觉得我的脑好烂哦哈哈哈哈哈哈. 常常因为感觉 feeling, 然后就认为嗯应该这样, 但是事后就觉得自己好无脑哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈.

我常常在说get your priorities right. 好啦其实没有说出来就自己在想罢了. 因为我觉得事情的轻重次序很重哟, 应该要根据自己的身份来决定事情.

我现在是实习老师了, 虽然只是实习的, 但我在学校, 学生们只知道我是新老师. 身为老师, 该完成的任务就要完成.
我已经很认命了. 我知道虽然这还是学校, 我现在是工作人士的身份, 这是职场. 我不能把自己当学生, 这里不是我的学校.
所以我每天起床都逼自己起来, 每天早上都要和自己说, 你现在tmd是老师了, 你不可以像读大学一样 爽爽迟到 缺席了. 绝对不可以几点上课就几点到学校.
我真的每天都这样提醒自己, 不能忘记了现在自己的身份.

还是我太古板了? 我不知道哈哈哈哈哈哈. 每天在学校都有好多东西想要instagram story一下;  每天放学的像zombie apocalypse一样冲出去的学生们, 每天放学时间在停车场的巴士们, 每天下课在食堂大排队的学生们, 到处都是全身白的学生们, 还有我教的学生们.
好多东西都好想拍下来. 但是我又提醒自己是老师. 如果被学生看见老师一直像傻瓜一样拿手机拍来拍去的, 好像不太好. 所以我什么都没拍 只是做好工作.

因为有一班惹得我好生气, senior建议我做quiz给他们, 当下好开心, 嗯! 我要弄死他们. 过后很痛苦 因为要做问题出来呵呵哈哈哈.
1点多吃完饭, 朋友上课到2点半, 讲一起下班回家. 我说我未必做得完, 朋友说还不快点做完 不然等下3点又回不了家, 要等到学生们走完了才能走因为太多人了, 要等到3点半4点啊.


我看见了我们的差别. 朋友是为了早回而赶快做完工作. 我是想要做完工作才回. 后来做完了, 和senior讨论东西后, 果然4点多才回家.

有后悔吗? 有的哈哈哈哈哈哈 因为出题目真的很痛苦. 但是不是因为迟回.

我不知道, 迟回从来不是一个影响我做事情的原因. 总是觉得做完事情比较重要.

我常常希望身边的人可以和我有一样的想法, 但是我没有意识到, 每个人想法不一样. 做法不一样.
有时候怀疑, 我们真的适合做朋友吗? 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈.
生活重心不一样了. 谈了恋爱的女人都比较陷在感情里面吗? 哈哈哈哈哈哈
但我也有很好很好的朋友 谈恋爱的时候不会这样的啊.

我不喜欢拍全身照. 我tmd长这样 谁想拍全身照啊. 除了偶尔自恋过头的ootd, 一般真的真的真的很排斥别人拍我全身.
可是我几乎每天都在被拍. 我每天吃饭的时候都要被一个我根本没有亲眼看过的男人看我吃饭的样子. 我不知道谁会喜欢这样. 可是他是她的男朋友. 身为她的朋友, 我也必须一起承担这份.... 注视?
总是习惯闪避镜头. 每当手机拿起, 我就下意识拨头发遮盖脸, 不然就低下头望向别的方向. yet这样的事情每天还在上演.
我不知道是她不会看人家眼色, 还是因为爱情远远大过友情, 所以只好牺牲掉我? 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈 我不知道.

星期一南院就要开学了. 我好轻松哈哈哈哈哈哈. 终于可以摆脱招生嘉年华了. 我已经连续做了5个学期 我真的很累. 前一天我必须自己去买食材, 然后连续2天都要搬我家厨房去学校, 7点半就到学校开始准备食材 摆摊. 做到2点多3点收档. 收档后必要的话还必须再去买隔天需要的食材, 隔天早上一样时间来到学校准备食材 摆摊. 终于2点多3点收摊, 又要开始整理厨房用具, 回家了还要再收进厨房.
我已经做了很多次这样的搬厨房了, 我真的累了. 很委屈. 明明宿舍生那么多, 没人能帮忙. 明明住宿舍, 没办法帮忙从自己的宿舍带东西下来. 我真的不明白. 付出那么多为了什么. 做了那么多为了什么.
在英文系孩纸眼里, 我可能还是那个无能的主席吧哈哈哈哈. 终于这个学期要卸下这个职位了, 感觉异常的轻松.

我真的很累. 好多事情朋友都没办法帮我分担, 真的觉得好委屈好生气.
凭什么别人需要帮忙的时候我就必须要去完成, 我需要帮忙的时候却没人来帮我......
做drama的时候很庆幸我的副导演超级无敌帮忙, 基本上她完成了好多事情.
对演员要求多一点反而被质疑, 你都没有教我要怎么演? 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈我都不会掉了.

适当的appreciation是需要的. 付出了5个学期, 好像没有得到什么appreciation.......
终于可以轻松了. 我要say goodbye了.

好像一个开口开了一样, 好多话好说哦哈哈哈哈哈哈. 很久没有抒发情绪了. 闷了很久, 这次终于打开了.
我没有人可以倾诉这些话, 因为我朋友也是我的演员, 也是我的comittee哈哈哈哈哈哈哈. 我无处发泄.
离开这个世界吧. 想过了无数次. 但还好只是想. 没有真的行动.

最近好喜欢鬼怪! 我短暂的一个星期的sem break就只看了鬼怪. 和一点点的蓝色海洋的秘密, 但是现在有点被我弃剧了.
每天都在期待鬼怪. 太好看了, 喜欢这种开脑洞的戏. 当大家领悟到德华不是普通人的时候, 我鸡皮疙瘩都起来了. 因为他们所说的都是网友们说的疑点. 一次过解开的时候真的觉得omg.
一直追看的戏, 觉得以后会想重看. doctors也一直想重看, 但是没有时间. 太喜欢hong sseam了. 让人想恋爱的感觉.
连续两部看下来, 好像现在很多大叔恋小妹妹呵呵哈哈哈. 一个是老师和学生, 一个是936岁和19岁哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈.天
 一直在解疑团, 一直看使者和鬼怪的互动,一集里面哭了又笑了,一下悲伤一下真的很好笑. 两个大叔拿着葱从隧道里面走出来的我着实笑了整个scene. 然后拉回去又继续笑. 笑到拿出耳机 因为我怕我笑太大声了哈哈哈哈哈哈.
不得不说, 也做过吹灭蜡烛, 然后往后看的傻事.... 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈 刚好有香氛蜡烛啦, 好久没点了就想说点一下. 吹灭火柴往后看了一眼, 啥都没有. 几个小时后吹灭了蜡烛, 还是什么都没有哈哈哈哈哈哈哈. 但是如果有什么的话我想我会吓死. 除非是孔刘本人出现! 哈哈哈哈

洋洋洒洒写了好多字. 该去睡觉补眠了. 终于周末来临了, 以前都没有这么期待过周末. 今天去上课的时候就好开心 ohyeah今天星期五了.
前几天回到家冲好凉下午5点 睡到凌晨2点. 然后开始改功课啊备课啊什么的. 然后照旧6点半出门去, 7点半上的课.
晚上11点多睡的觉. 所以我是清醒了20小时. 算起来是睡了9小时, 然后清醒了20小时. 狂.

Friday, January 6, 2017

My internship

Hihihihih!i! It's 2017 now omg.  一眨眼時間就過了  哎喲 我都不敢眨眼了呢 科科科.

Anyways, I started my internship at Foon Yew High School! It's crazy, I know. Like to be honest, I never had good feelings towards foon yew students lol. Back then when I was in secondary school, I've encountered so many foon yew students giving us the face, like they're better than us. So I didn't really like them, because of the difference between foon yew and smk. So some around me were surprised when I said I want to go foon yew for this internship lol.

I did struggle, when I finally decided to go for internship this semester. Tuition centers or decent schools. I can find tuition centers easily around me, there are so many in my area, i'm sure i can find one who accepts internship. Or decent school, to have the stress all on me.

Because tuition centers are like supplement aside from school, i can just teach them what they've learnt in school, which means i have a template to go with. But in schools, my output to them is their only input. This has engraved in my mind so hard that I lost sleeps these days lol. 
At the end, i thought decent school is the correct path to apply what i've learnt. That's why i decided to go for foon yew. 

At first we applied for internship, which is 3 months. But coincidentally there's one teacher who is till on maternity leave until around 3 weeks after the school opens. So they wanted us to go teach as well, salary paid of course. oh doing internship in schools have no income at all lol. I don't know why, but heard from some seniors, for those who did in schools, they don't have income. But tuition center does pay, so that's what I was struggling at first too.
After know I have to teach 2 classes for 3 weeks, it was kinda stressful. But then it was okay because it's only 3 weeks, if i really did a bad job, at least their teacher still have time to recover everything and manage to teach them before exam. 
But my senior, who was like God to us, gave me a junior middle 3 class...... and we both will take turns to go in the class. For a good 3 months. Now the stress really come to me. They will have a test after 3 months, which means, whatever I teach, I have to cover everything and i have to prepare them for the exam!!
I got the news on the first day, and I went in the class on the first day, without preparing anything. It was scary.......... 
I couldn't sleep well since Tuesday. I have to prepare what I'm going to teach the next day, and i usually do it really late lol. Then when i finally want to sleep, i was so stressed out that i would think of what should i say in the class tomorrow.....

I'm now teaching 3 classes, 1 class from junior middle 1, 2 and 3. That's actually a lot for me as I never taught before! I don't think any teacher there will have to cover 3 different level lol.

Foon Yew have English class EVERY SINGLE DAY. 7 periods in total in a week!!!!! That's so much when compared with us because we had 5 periods, and only 3 days!
But they have class every day!!! That's why I'm so stressed out!!! I have to think what I have to teach every single day. 

And Foon Yew campus at stulang laut is huge af. I walked so much, climbed so much stairs every day now, and my feet are constantly in pain. One class is at 3rd floor, one is at a far building at 4th floor, and another one is at even further building at 3rd floor. Walking from carpark to the office is a full 10 minutes walk, including tons of stairs, a full basketball court to walk across. Going to canteen is almost 5 minutes walk again including the freaking basketball court and stairsssss. My feet are sore not because of walking, like seriously walking for 10 minutes is okay to me. But the STAIRS. So MANY STAIRS.
And my throat is sore from the first class. I have to be loud enough for the class to hear, and have to scold them when they're not listening to me lol. I really wanted to be nice and friendly but omg. I scolded a class today so loudly that everyone was in shocked and they just stared at me lol. Junior 3 still can't listen to me omg what can i do. Was so angry and literally 怒火中燒. Threatened them by not letting them off the recces really worked lol 

It's only the first week, and not even finished lol. I still have 3 months to go. Finger crossed that I can go on smoothly and teach well lol. ciaos!